How becoming hooked on comparing yourself and your progress with what others have done can lead to serious instability and self-loathing.

Photo: Jeltovski, via morguefile.com

We live in a society addicted to comparisons. People still rail against moral relativism — the notion that there are no absolutes and ‘good’ and ‘evil’ exist only in relation to specific circumstances — even as they ignore a far more pervasive and harmful kind of relative thinking: the idea that every achievement is valuable only if it exceeds what others have managed. As a result, thousands of people denigrate their own success or abilities; and do so purely because they have come across someone else who appears to have done better.

This is all part of the mania for ‘winners,’ and the notion that coming first is all that counts. It’s easy to blame the media for nearly everything, but there does seem to be some justification for putting at least a good part of the blame for this madness at their doors. Media reports definitely tend to make everything competitive on the basis that it therefore becomes more “exciting.” It also generates greater hostility and partisanship. You only have to look at the present state of the presidential election campaign in the United States for proof of this.

What these comparisons rarely, if ever, generate is greater clarity or truth

What do you know about these other people you judge yourself against? You might see that they earn more — or less — than you do, but you have no idea whether this makes them any happier or less happy. You might look down on someone because they appear to be less successful in, say, career terms, never knowing that he or she has little interest in that , yet is more intelligent and able than you. Look at another aspect of their lives — perhaps relationships or family life — and you’ll have a comparison that will make you look inadequate.

When people compare themselves, they rarely, if ever, do so save on a single basis: the area where they either show up to advantage (or appear to do so) or appear less than adequate.

What about all the other parts of life? Can you know whether that high-profile, grossly over-paid CEO is anything other than an empty suit with a media-polished smile? Is he or she doing well in any other aspect of life than work? Does he or she even have any other parts to their life?

You can’t chop human lives into segments in this way. No one has only a career, or only a certain amount of pizzazz or charisma. Everyone is a total human being — successful in some areas of life, unsuccessful in others. To look at just one part is to form a false comparison that is worthless as a means of making a judgment on your own situation. You’re comparing apples, not with whole oranges, but with little more than a tiny piece of the outside skin.

The same is true of many management books

That’s why the books that laud some individual as a “great leader,” we should all emulate are laughably superficial. Churchill was great in some ways; he was also a drunk and, for much of his life, derided as a failure in everything he did. Kennedy was a womanizer on a heroic scale. Napoleon started out as one of the greatest military strategists of the age, then degenerated into an absolute monarch who tried to win battles by sacrificing thousands of troops in head-on attacks. Hitler had enormous charisma and was, I believe, notably fond of dogs.

Forget the media and Hollywood as guides to life or career. Forget comparing yourself to others, when you cannot know more about them than whatever appears on the outside. You’ll only make yourself miserable, or send yourself down a useless track.

Comparisons can hurt

When you find a comparison that seems to be in your favor, will that make you happy? Maybe . . . but things change and what once was in your favor may swiftly move against you. More likely, it will feed your ego for a time, cause you to become smug and complacent, and so contribute to you falling behind again in the comparison stakes.

When you appear to be doing less well that others, the most likely outcome is another bout of self-doubt and loathing. Some people claim that doubting yourself can be a spur to doing better. Maybe it can for some people, but you will always be able to find others who have done better than you, however much you strive to excel. Occasional comparisons, like occasional drinks, are harmless — even beneficial. Becoming addicted to comparisons, or alcohol, will wreck your life.

The ‘comparison trap’

If you fall into a ‘comparison trap’ like this, you can find yourself caught up in an endless process of negative comparisons. Whatever you achieve, someone else will always do better. That may cause you to stretch yourself still more to get back on top, only to find that you have swiftly been surpassed again. Nothing you do is ever good enough.

For some, this process drives them to exceptional heights, though often at the cost of their health and relationships. They may be admired, but few would wish to emulate their lives and the sacrifices they made to come out best in just about every comparison — at least for a time.

They are the exceptions. The majority of people caught in the comparison trap swiftly find that they have neither the talent nor the energy to compete in this way. They must either admit defeat or find another set of comparisons where they can shine.

We’ve all met embittered people who face the world with little but resentment that they have not made it to some goal long past. We’ve all met those who erect some petty empire where they can be an absolute monarch, dealing out pointless demands merely to reinforce their sense of having stayed on the top — even if all they manage to stand on top of is a dunghill. Both types are victims of the comparison trap. If they had managed to be who they were, not define themselves primarily in relation to others, they likely would have been happier and more successful.

How to avoid falling into this kind of trap

The only sensible course is to focus on what works for you, regardless of how it compares with what others choose.

Sit down, take your time, and work out what is most important in your life. Set those things alone as areas against which you will judge progress. At the very least, they will be honest goals, however modest, and well-adapted to your circumstances. The, whether you achieve them or not, success will not go to your head, nor failure cripple you for anything else.

Comparisons are tricky. Using them to set goals and measure progress can be counter-productive. It all depends on which comparisons you choose and how well you understand the details. It’s fatally easy to set yourself up against someone or something that has almost no relevance to your own circumstances, purely because it seems glamorous, or someone else has told you it is the right benchmark.

Far better to view all comparisons of this kind as no more than interesting sidelights on what truly matters: stepping forward to use your own talents, hopes, and dreams to the full.

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