Conversation is becoming a lost art, replaced by endless one-way talk and organized “spin”

This is a revised and expanded version of a post I wrote back in 2005. If anything, the situation I describe seems to have become worse since then, so I believe that it is well worth repeating.

“To converse” means to share ideas and learn from one another in the process. It’s a back-and-forth process that demands listening and talking in equal degrees. It has roots in the same idea that produces the word “conversion” in the sense of change. To converse with someone is to be open to being changed by what they say to you.

“Talk” is one-way. All those people endlessly talking into their cellphones, the TV and radio talk shows, the instant pundits on any topic, all of them involve people talking, yet rarely pausing or caring to listen. We live surrounded by egocentric speeches and constant chatter that amounts to little more than fear of silence.

Go to any meeting in any organization. What will you discover? People who spend their time between bouts of talking thinking about what they will say next. People eagerly seizing on someone else’s words as the excuse for talking themselves. People “taking positions” and telling other what they think, what matters to them. Fine . . . but is anyone listening? Instead of conversations, there are endless presentations: one-way, carefully prepared speeches with limited “feedback” — to which the presenter pays little attention, given the enormous effort already put into those words and pictures. How could anyone who merely listened to them have a better idea that the one who prepared them?

No one listens. No one is open to persuasion. Attendees are briefed to make specific statements, regardless of what’s said after they arrive. Like politicians toeing the party line, they have open mouths and tightly shut minds. Many — maybe most — decisions are made before the meeting ever takes place. The presentation offers a series of pegs on which to hang more one-way talk.

Those strong and silent types are usually neither

Organizational hero-leaders are like John Wayne, strong and silent types, hiding themselves behind the action-man exterior. Part of the proof of their action credentials is that they act as if they cannot communicate in any other way. They have no time for mere words; action is all that matters.

Image from WikipediaYet acting without explaining — or seeking ideas from others — amounts to little more than more egocentric dominance. When you act first and explain afterwards, you are passing the message that you know best; that other people’s input could not possibly change your opinion.

This is not strength, it is despotism. Besides, if actions truly speak louder than words, you’ve just been yelling your head off.

When they do speak, people don’t even say what they mean

We all know that organizations spend significant resources trying to manipulate what others think and say about them. Many public statements are simply “spin”: carefully crafted words designed to mislead and manage others’ perceptions. What is also worth thinking about is how much we engage in this process ourselves.

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings? How often do you censor your words, craft your speech, because you want people to go away with a specific opinion — usually one that might not arise if you spoke genuinely? How often are your words more about creating an image than sharing your thoughts?

When you do this, there is no conversation, no possibility of being changed by what you hear. You may, of course, change other people’s perception, but not in an honest way. What you are engaged in is manipulation.

Will it work? Maybe. Most of us have become so used to “conversations” which are about others trying to manipulate our opinions or choices that we shut our ears as a matter of course. When nearly everyone tries to manipulate, no one listens for fear of being manipulated.

Talking “at” people is an aggressive act

Action-man (and action-woman) leaders prove their superiority by aggression. They don’t need to listen, because they are already sure of their superiority; they cannot be persuaded, only coerced by aggression greater than their own.

Conversation has no place in their lives. Who needs talk when there’s action to be done? Who needs to persuade others when you can manipulate them, or force them, or (like political fixers the world over) use dirty tricks to discredit them?

When no one is open to persuasion, only two relationships become possible:

• Master and servant. The master talks and the servant obeys, preferably without talking back.
• The con-artist who lies and those who listen who are duped. They buy what they do not need; they swallow pills in the belief that they will be cured and never understand the potential side-effects; they hand over their savings and accept what they are given in return, while those in charge play Russian roulette with the money, in the hope of making huge profits — mostly for themselves.

When you think about it, how much of your experience of the world revolves around one of other of these “relationships” with others?

Truth demands genuine conversation

Conversation is personal contact; a meeting of minds in a mutual search for what life and work are about — and how we should deal with both. It’s approaching others with an open mind and ready sympathy for their concerns, not just our own. When people converse, a change of opinion is always possible.

What would happen if politicians and leaders began to converse, instead of shouting pre-prepared political slogans? Might there be a chance to put the needs of the nation as a whole before narrow, sectional interests? What if organizational leaders truly listened to employees as colleagues in the shared purpose of serving their customers better? How many fresh ideas might surface? How much waste might be avoided? How many wrong turnings might be recognized before the damage was done?

Conversation is the ultimate human interest activity, at work or outside, bringing you into direct contact with other people in all their complexity and vulnerability. It’s also the best remedy for the sense of alienation from society that’s the underlying cause of vandalism, crime, and terrorism.

People want most of all to be heard; to have others listen to them — really listen — and understand their needs and concerns. If you want to attract and keep good employees; if you want to retain good customers; if you just want to have a better quality life, cut out all the one-sided chatter and start a conversation instead. It will change your world.

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