It’s infuriating when somebody makes a promise to you and then breaks it; or agrees to do something, then blows it off like it doesn’t matter.

I’m not talking about an occasional ‘can’t-be-helped’ situation beyond reasonable control, like late air flights, or a wreck tying up traffic. I’m talking about serial agreement breakers. The people who don’t much care whether they keep their promises or not.

Healthy and conscious relationships are open, honest, and safe wherever people are acting and being in integrity. One of the major foundation blocks of trust is that people keep their agreements.

That foundation begins to crumble when people feels betrayed because another fails to commit to or keep promises. It’s one common reason why many relationships at work (and outside) do not work well.

Promises and agreements

The Cambridge Dictionary defines ‘agreement’ as: “when people approve of or accept something; a decision or arrangement between two or more groups or people.”

The purpose of an agreement is to create harmony, so that two or more people can engage in an interaction without any subterfuge. Sticking to an agreement precludes any hidden agenda, duplicity or lack of transparency. An agreement is effective only insofar as it comes from a deeper, internal place of motivation. Seems simple enough.

Dis-agreements

Yet life at work often seems rife with disagreements, betrayals, dishonesty, and disharmony. Why should this be?

The underlying cause of not living up to your promises is that you have entered into some agreement knowing that your true commitment is half-hearted.

Often people enter agreements because: (1) they are afraid of what will happen to them if they don’t enter the agreement; (2) they want to feel safe in some way — mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically, socially, financially; (3) they are giving to get; agreeing, in order to achieve some personal, self-centered goal; or (4) they want to avoid the discomfort of disagreement or conflict, so they agree to “go along to get along.” Such agreements never come from the right place — the place of integrity and trust.

Agreements, in and of themselves, never lead to safety, trust and harmony. Acting on agreements, consistently, is what leads to safety, trust and dependability. Effective agreements are always built on a clear purpose that leads to action. Whatever the excuse for entering an agreement that comes from a place of duplicity, follow-through and being in integrity never happens.

When agreements work

For your promises and agreements to work — that is, for agreements to generate safety, trust, harmony and dependability — you must first reflect, deeply and consciously: “Why am I agreeing to this?” “What is the true and real purpose underlying this agreement?”

Without this internal clarity, agreements nearly always self-destruct sooner rather than later; and the fallout and collateral damage from such failed agreements can be extensive.

Once an agreement is broken, the first thing to erode is trust. That generates emotions like betrayal, fear, resentment, blame, guilt, and shame. Vague apologies and new pledges to make up for the broken agreement won’t help. The level of trust can almost never be regained to the degree that it existed when the agreement was made.

In working cultures without trust, there are no healthy relationships — just toxicity and a low-level-fever-grade type of agitation; and a continual watching of your back.

In contrast, when you create agreements that reflect integrity, authenticity, heart-felt purpose and accountability for one’s actions, you are creating a workplace culture that exudes safety, trust, harmony and well-being. Productivity, performance and conscious, healthy relationships grow and thrive in such workplace environments.

So, some questions for self-reflection:

• How would you characterize your relationships at work? Do you honor and keep your agreements, consistently? What would your boss, colleagues, direct reports, clients, friends, spouse/partner say?
• Do you create agreements with a win-win, or win(me)-lose(other) motive? Do you generally blame others when agreements break down?
• What is the level of trust in your relationships? How can you increase it?
• Have you been betrayed often? Do you enter agreements with a feeling that you’ll be betrayed at some point? Is trusting others a challenge for you? Why?
• Are your relationships characterized by communication and openness? How much do you trust people at work?
• Do you believe that work is largely “political”? Are you continually vigilant of who are your allies, opponents, adversaries, and “friends” at work? If so, why?

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