We cannot live a life of balance by clinging to just one side

We live in a world of duality: love versus fear, right versus wrong, negative or positive, doing or being, and so on. Maybe that’s why one of the qualities of a ‘mature individual’ (not chronologically mature, but emotionally, psychologically and spiritually so) is the ability to hold and reflect upon both polarities at the same time, e.g., “light and dark” together. Many refer to this as enlightening state where you do not have to opt for one over the other, but can entertain both polarities, with curiosity and without judgment.

For many, at work in particular, living with duality results in stress and tension on a daily basis. Consider the tension people experience as they move back and forth on a continuum between under budget and over budget, team cooperation or team competition, bosses who are supportive and those who are bullies.

Stress and regret surface whenever we want to experience only one end of the continuum and reject the other as bad or wrong. People who live life from this “right versus wrong”, “good versus bad” mindset, make themselves face continuous pain and suffering. When we put all our attention on one end of any continuum of opposites (it doesn’t matter which end), our energy is out of balance. Accepting only one side of a duality and rejecting the other does not lead to wholeness.

Facing up to ‘negative’ polarities

No one needs to behave according to that end of a continuum that they view as negative, unethical, out of integrity, or self-sabotaging; but they should asking themselves why this other end of the continuum is in their life experience.

Asking yourself the question, “Why is this experience happening FOR me?” (instead of TO me, which simply allows you to engage in a reactive, victim consciousness and blaming mentality) can move you to a level of inquiry and self-reflection that can lead to conscious personal and professional growth.

Start by looking at how you choose to respond to the person, event or behavior that is ‘dark’, ‘bad’ or ‘wrong.’ Explore your own values and ways of thinking, be-ing and do-ing.

Here are a few examples of question you might ask yourself:

• “Why do I choose to go along with unethical and illegal practices in my workplace?”
• “Why do I choose to go along with bullying bosses and gossiping that is destroying morale?”
• “Why do I choose not to speak up about how I can improve processes and procedures?”
• “Why do I chose to feel threatened, play small, be invisible and not allow my voice?”

Many people want to experience life from the ‘good’ side of the continuum only, so they try to live life with a positive mental attitude. The result is more often that not an experience of struggle and frustration. They put themselves out of balance. There is no single end to a continuum; denying the other end is an exercise in futility. In our world of duality, any effort to focus all attention on the ‘light’ only serves to increase the power of the ‘darkness’.

How do you work with the tension from two ends of the continuum at once?

The contrast of the opposites gives each end its identity. We can’t know ‘hot’ unless we also know ‘cold’, ‘dark’ unless we experience ‘light’, ‘good’ unless we experience ‘evil.’ The two ends need each other to make sense. Like the back and forth swing of a pendulum, our experience of duality must include both the positives and negatives. We can’t swing in just one direction. To grow in consciousness and self-awareness, we must honor the integrity of both and seek the middle, higher path of experience and expression.

Find a new perspective that allows you to understand, acknowledge and accept both extremes at once (You don’t have to agree with either or the perspective. It’s a means to an end). From this perspective, see the role that both ends play. If you can let go of your mind’s need to accept one and reject the other, and the attendant opinions, assumptions, and judgments, you’ll more able to experience life as it is as opposed to what you want (or don’t want) it to be.

Accepting life’s duality is key to growth

When you bring together opposites into a higher understanding, you grow in consciousness, self-awareness, maturity and the ability to self-reflect. You learn to explore why these elements are in our life, and what they can teach us about ourselves, our values and our choices.

Doing this is learning how to move through the not-so-pleasant vicissitudes of life, and growing in the process. Not doing it causes a life of overwhelm, stress and tension — always feeling like a victim and constantly blaming others and circumstances for your own problems.

The pearl in the oyster cannot arise without the grain of sand which spurs its growth. No irritant, no pearl. In the same way, you can see whatever incites the other end of a continuum as an irritant to spur your own growth.

Here are some questions for self-reflection:

• What bothers you at work? Why? Why do you think this “irritant” is in your life right now? How are you choosing to deal with it?
• Why do you think reasonable, rational and decent people do things that annoy you? (Or, do you feel everyone who annoys you is unreasonable, irrational and not decent?)
• What are the issues that cause you to react to the end of the continuum that you see as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong?’ Why do you think these people, events or circumstances are in your life? If there were a deeper purpose, what would it be?
• When you see the other end of the continuum as ‘the problem’, the thought itself is the real problem. What do think about that?
• Do you normally view the world, and the people in it, from a ‘right/wrong’, ‘good/bad’ perspective? If so, why?
• Think of a situation or a person where you can’t see the good. What would you have to do to see the truth or beauty of this person or situation?
• It is useless to discuss harmony in our world at work, without first creating harmony in ourselves. Would you agree?
• What in your life do you resist looking at? Does this cause you tension? What would happen if you did look and allowed the tension to be there at the same time?
• When you accept the vicissitudes and challenges in your life at work (at home, at play), as part of life, do you experience more or less of sense of well-be-ing? Why?

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