Authentic communication, the cornerstone of all trusting relationships, requires far more than speaking the truth

 
In the words of the old song: “It’s not what you say, it’s the way that you say it.” The words you use, the tone of voice, the circumstances in which the ‘message’ is passed — even your facial expressions and body language — can all be used to create a false picture in the other person’s mind; one that will give your words a different meaning from their face value. When this happens, your hearers (or readers) are as thoroughly mislead as they would be if every word of what you said or wrote were untrue.

Spinning the words

We are surrounded by people who deliberately use words in ways that conceal their true meaning. They add a gloss that changes the message, conceals a hidden agenda, or is designed to evoke specific emotions. All the time, they are calculating what will make what they say convey something other than the plain words express.

Advertisers, copywriters, PR people, spokespeople for special interests, lawyers, politicians: all are adept at using their words to conceal and manipulate. The authenticity of their communication is low because they are striving to create a specific impact, without revealing anything of themselves or what they truly believe. They show little, if any, empathy for those they are dealing with either. They care next to nothing about them, just so long as they react as required and buy, vote or believe in whatever way they are being told to do.

Once people understand what has been going on, they feel cheated and abused — even if the message passed was factually correct. These poeople — The Manipulators — cannot be trusted because they always have hidden agendas.

Putting expediency first

In Britain, there is an eighteenth century song about The Vicar of Bray (a vicar is a church pastor and Bray is a small village north of London). In the song, the vicar responds to every twist and shift in the church politics of the time by changing his position to fit in with current fashion. Now he’s a puritan; now he’s anti-puritan. Now he’s all for a fundamentalist interpretation of the bible; now he dismisses biblical literalism with disdain. Throughout the song, he has a single purpose. He wants keep his job by fitting in with whoever is currently in a position of power over him, and so keeps changing his message.

I’ve met many people like that. They are exquisitely sensitive to the slightest shift in the majority opinion and quickly change their own views and behaviors to blend in. Their empathy is high — at least in the sense of being very aware of how others are thinking and feeling — but authenticity is nowhere in sight. They are literally all things to all people.

You can’t trust such people — The Expedient Reactors — because you never know who they are.

Seeking self-interest

The egotist is totally him or herself, all the time: all ‘authenticity’ and no empathy. Egotists have no interest in or concern for others. They say what they want to say and do what they want to do, regardless of what others want or whether they might get hurt as a result.

Surely this is extreme authenticity? No, it isn’t.

In reality, the egotist is just as inauthentic as all those types I have already listed. The egotist creates a false world with only one person in it. How does he do this? By discounting the needs, opinions and views of others and focusing entirely on his own. Since such a world is impossible — no one, however self-centered, can survive without the help of other people — egotists have to manage their communication and conceal their intentions.

To achieve this takes cunning. Egotists typically resort to all the tricks and subterfuges mentioned in describing the earlier types. They use fine words to conceal their true intent, say whatever is expedient at the time, and manipulate others regardless of their well-being.

You can’t trust The Egotists because they’ll say or do anything to support their immediate self-interest.

Whom can you trust?

When it comes to communication (and nearly everything else), the only truly trustworthy person is the one who communicates by being exactly who he or she is and making sure you know it. Authentic communication goes far beyond the facts to include full disclosure of what that person believes, what he or she wants, and how well your own needs and concerns are being understood.

When communication is authentic, you know where you stand. You can correct any misimpression, because it’s clear how the other person sees you; how well he or she understands what you need, what you think, and what matters to you in this situation. Empathy is high because the authentic communicator takes the time and trouble to listen and respond fully. Authenticity is high, because those responses are open and complete — no evasions, no vague buzz-words and misleading phrases, no time spent saying one thing while facial expressions, tone of voice and body language convey a different message.

That’s why such people can be trusted, even if you disagree with them profoundly. You know who you are dealing with and where they are coming from, without hidden agendas or double meanings. Everything is out in the open.

If you want others to trust you, authenticity in communication is essential. Without this, every word spoken or written will be to some extent dishonest. This is one of the few situations in life where there truly is no alternative.

The bad news is that living like this takes effort, courage, integrity and a great deal of conscious thought. The good news is that truly honest communicators in the business world are so rare that you’ll shine out like a beacon of hope on a dark night.

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