Are they pushing your buttons — or are you doing it to yourself?
There’s no question that in most every organization (plus home and anywhere else we spend time), we come face to face with folks who push our buttons, antagonize, frustrate, or otherwise annoy us. People who behave in ways that make us want to scream. They’re commonly referred to as ‘difficult’. Some we simply label irritating; some we label rude and some we label “impossible to work or be with”.
In my experience, however, the question is not so much what makes them difficult, but what we tell ourselves about them. It’s often that which makes them difficult. Underlying, supporting and triggering our reactions are the stories we tell ourselves: “She is so (fill in the blank) I could scream.” “The way he (fill in the action) is enough to make anyone mad.” “When they (fill in the situation), I just wanted to throttle them.” It’s not just our negative judgments, criticisms and frustrations that categorize them as difficult. It’s the way we repeat and elaborate them, internally or in conversation.
When we drill down to the truth of the matter, experience suggests that it’s not so much that another’s behavior is all that egregious or aberrant; the “truth” that mires us in anger and resentment comes from the story we have created — a story we assume is true, but which, in reality, is probably exaggerated a little more each time we re-tell it.
When you feel the urge to label another as “difficult”, a first step ought perhaps to be to check out the reality of the story; to review the facts and ward off any tendency to turn a single event into some kind of on-going saga.
Three self-reflective questions to ask
1. What is that person doing, or how are they being, that is so problematical for me?
Ask yourself what the observable and measurable behaviors are that point to the difficulty. When you’re caught up in reactivity, or flooded by emotions, it’s easy to lose sight of the facts and drop into a blanket judgment along the lines of: “Well, it’s nothing specific; he’s just being an a–hole — again.” Once you’re attached to that story, the details that indicated the person is difficult get overlooked or assumed. Ask yourself, “If someone gave me the same feedback I am directing to another person, would I know exactly how to act differently? Would I understand what it is about me that other person found so annoying?” If not, you’ve dropped into telling yourself a story. To get anything to change, you need to be clear on the facts first.
It’s probably wise to assume that no one ever gets up in the morning and says to themselves, “I’m going to be a jerk today.” What they do makes sense to them. You might at least give them the benefit of the doubt before you make up mind that your story is the truth. What if that irritating person is as rational, decent, fair-minded and well-meaning as you? What could cause him or her — or you, in other circumstances — to behave like that? Do you know? Have you even considered the possibilities?
2. Do you allow your story to cloud your view of that person?
When we create stories, we create a habitual way to view that person. For example, if I choose to believe another is lazy, then I turn the radio dial in my head to the station that features only “laziness” tunes; so I’m always on the lookout for, and listening for, ways that person is behaving that I can characterize as lazy, in order to prove the truth of my story.
If I choose to believe my boss is friendlier with a colleague and is ignoring or rejecting me and my work, I turn the radio dial to pick up “rejection” tunes and start scanning for incidents which allow me to say, “See, there she goes again; she likes that other person and is not concerned with me or my work.”
That’s how we create distortions that support us in proving we are ‘right’ and our story is true. We don’t stand back and ask ourselves, “Is this the whole story?” “Is my story really all of the truth?” “Is it possible I am distorting things?” “Is this person perhaps, just perhaps, not the ogre I make him or her out to be?” “Could I be mistaken?”
The reality is that everyone is in some chapter of their life that runs on from what happened earlier. Yet we base our criticisms and judgments on the assumption we know what went on in all the earlier chapters. Truth is, we don’t. We just assume a ‘history’ that suits our current view of them.
3. Do you behave a certain way toward that person based on your story?
Your stories are going to influence your behavior, whether you choose to act on them or not. They and their attendant beliefs, assumptions, preconceptions and misperceptions automatically trigger your feelings. Those feelings will then drive your behavior towards the other person, often unconsciously.
Are you conscious of your stories? If you aren’t, you may unconsciously be building a case against the other person — a case that will validate the story you’ve invented about them. You may even be helping to perpetuate their behavior by responding, not to reality, but to your story and the reactions it produces in you.
Yes, there are difficult people in the world. The question is whether they are truly difficult in and of themselves —it’s a part of their essential nature — or whether you are a contributing factor to their being difficult through the story you have constructed about them. Do you honestly know which is true?
Here are some questions to inform your inquiry into the difficult people in your life and flush out the facts from your stories about them.
- Do you ever give a difficult person the benefit of the doubt? If not, why not?
- If you ever labeled someone as difficult, what did labeling them as difficult get you?
- Do you ever make judgments about folks assuming you know all about them and what makes them tick?
- Have you ever been the difficult person? If so, how does acknowledging this make you feel? Have you ever asked people you trust whether how you behave towards them makes you a difficult person?
- What one or two baby steps might you take this week and next to discern the facts about someone you might have labeled as difficult, just to see if your story is really the truth?
Technorati Tags: dealing with difficult people, judgments on others, the stories we tell about others, prejudice, snap judgments, labeling others, stereotyping
August 8th, 2008 at 10:26 am
I love difficult people, as they challenge my thoughts. I praise people who give me a hard time. If you talk to them and listen, your ideas can even be greater.
On the other hand no one is “difficult” unless all efforts fail. If coaching does not lead to anything; if you can’t motivate and the person doesn’t improve or brings down morale, then he/she is difficult — actually they are not difficult, they are impossible. But if you have not tried to do nothing about it, you’re the one being difficult. It is so easy.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Hi, Frode,
I think it’s wonderful how you view difficult people - not folks to necessarily to be judged harshly, scorned or perhaps shunted off to the side, but individuals to be engaged and viewed as an opportunity for your own growth and development. (Actually, difficult folks in life serve as mirrors we can hold up to our self to see what we need to see about ourselves.)
You make a valid point that judging someone as difficult or impossible should come only after one has made an honest attempt to explore what’s underneath their ‘being difficult’.
Thanks for taking time to offer your comment.
August 10th, 2008 at 12:56 am
hmm..
just finished teaching my students about confirmation bias. I give a variation on the exercise at http://www.devpsy.org/teaching/method/confirmation_bias.html. They’re often fascinated when they go away and reflect on the implications of this to their beliefs about ‘others’ (other racial groups, cultures).
I think a link to this page would be a fitting follow on. Thank you for describing this so well.
August 10th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Hi, David,
I agree that upon reflection about how we contribute to the “difficulty” of difficult people, there is usually a deeper insight, awareness or “AHA” that arises…that tugs on our own sleeve about our beliefs, perspectives, assumptions, etc. about the world and the people in it….providing additional food for thought about “who I am” and “how I am” in relationship to others. Thanks for stopping by.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Thanks for the post. I have been thinking about difficult people for a while and I encountered a website that deals with all forms of conflict that I would like to share.
http://www.beyondintractability.org/
One thing about difficult people. It is often not the people themselves that are difficult, it is their specific behaviors. And if you can view the difficulty internally rather than externally your ability to interact with them successfully increases.
That is to say that the problem is not “them” it is “mine”. MY issue is then that I am not skillful at handling THEIR difficult behavior. This line of thinking can then separate the “difficult” person from the difficult behavior and make the action that is needed something you can control. The thing you can control is becoming more skillful at handling certain difficult behaviors. This is better than learning how to handle a “difficult” person and helps you interact with them more successfully.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Hi, Kahnec,
You raise a good point. For me, the lenses with which we view the world define how we “judge” an event. As Shakespare said, “An event is neither good nor bad; only thinking makes it so.” Why does one individual see an event as a “crisis” inducing fear, while another sees it as an opportuity inducing optimism?
As you say, as one becomes more self-aware, and conscious, one is better able at responding, rather than reacting, to another’s behavior. In like manner, the more self-aware one is, the more neutral, or less judgmental, one can be when viewing another or another’s behavior. When we learn how to come from a “beginner’s mind”, we are not only more able to interact with curiosity rather than blame or judgment, but to be more understanding and compassionate when it comes to those others and not be so quick to label another as “difficult”.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:28 am
One thing I have noticed while working on a website called http://www.leadingwithkindness.com is that people often become difficult because they have high expectations. One individual we interviewed works with actors and musicians all the time and when they do become difficult it is often because of some one else’s actions such as changing something that they believe will negatively impact the performance. For example a play’s script being changed shortly before a performance. This individual works well actors and musicians because he respects the fact these changes are understandably upsetting because the performers have invested allot of time and effort into the production so instead of considering them difficult he considers them passionate.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Hi, Tom,
I think there are different “flavors” of difficult along the continuum of “difficult”. Relating to your example, there are difficult folks who are passionate and yet willing to see another perspective, deal well with ambiguity and change, and collaborate, even though it causes them some angst. Then, there are those who draw a line in the stand and won’t budge from their position or expectation.
One curiosity is what’s underneath one’s expectations and what supports one and what limits one from moving to the left or right of their expectations.
Also, as you indicate, consciously making an attempt to understand what makes another “difficult” from an objective, non-judgemntal, blaming, or finger-pointing perespective, creates a safe space for all parties to collaborate, perhaps supporting the “difficulty” aspect to evaporate.