How many times have you regretted an impulsive action — but realized the error too late?

Where’s there’s conflict to be resolved, a problem to be solved, or a dilemma to be unbundled, how often do you jump in, right away, with a quick solution, answer, or retort? How often have you found that, after jumping in like that, you maybe didn’t get the whole story or see the complete picture? What you did or said missed the mark because you hadn’t taken the time to understand fully enough first.

How often in such situations might you be hearing, but not listening?

One reason people have a tendency to jump in is because their minds are working at 90 miles an hour. They’re hyped up, used to making judgments on the fly, wrapped in their preconceptions and assumptions. “Quick! There’s no time. Get on with it!” So they plunge ahead, seduced into making judgments that are too often misguided, off-putting or simply wrong.

“Listen to understand before being understood” is a principle that is bandied about in the ‘effective listening’ literature. We all say we ‘get it’, yet nothing changes. Nearly everyone seriously over-estimates their capacity to listen. Ask almost anyone and he or she will claim to be good at listening. If that were so, many of the problems around us would disappear in an instant. The truth is that rather few people listen properly before reacting.

Listening isn’t easy, especially today

In an age when we’re caught up in a morass of 25-second sound bites; when we are inundated with input from electronic devices, all demanding instant attention; listening and focusing are very real challenges, not easily met.

Living in a ‘media age’, many of us have become addicted to constant stimulation. Our brains have become over-stimulated and under-developed. Hyperactivity is the norm. Throughout the day, people jump from stimulus to stimulus: BlackBerry, Facebook, TV, cell phone, Twitter, e-mail; then back to BlackBerry, incessantly and impulsively. It makes focused attention all but impossible.

The result is an increasingly prevalent inability to listen, let alone reflect or think more deeply. Because we’ve become addicted, our brains require fresh stimulation every few moments. In this state, how can anyone maintain focus? How is it possible to listen, concentrate and consciously attend to someone?

Over-stimulated and under-informed

Since we have conditioned ourselves to constant activity — and because our low brain areas now require consistent stimulation and our cerebral cortex (the thinking/listening-related part of the brain) are underutilized — we don’t listen long enough, or carefully enough, to do more than react to first impressions.

An unfortunate result of this conditioning is an inability to empathize. It’s becoming almost impossible to be quiet or contemplative in a sustained way in the presence of others, even when the situation clearly calls for deeper reflection and understanding. Instead we have a knee-jerk, reactive response to engage in some way. So we jump into advising, ‘fixing’ the other person, ‘one-upping’ what they say. We think we’re helping, but we’re really hijacking the other’s experience in order to suggest an immediate solution. Obsessed with the feeling that we need to do something, we shut down collecting information in favor of acting on the little we already know — or think we do.

The destruction of trust

Unfortunately, when this happens, the person across from us usually feels unheard and unappreciated. Far from making them feel better, our headlong rush to action makes them seem invisible, their concerns ignored. It’s become our show. We’re in charge, while they are left angry, resentful, frustrated or with a sense of being attacked — anything but ‘listened to’ in any reasonable sense.

That’s not a great way to build trust, engender mutual respect, create a container of safety, or cultivate conscious, healthy relationships. It’s not a way to show you care.

Maybe the next time you’re in a situation that calls for listening, you’ll recall this article and won’t be so quick to reassure, give advice, or explain your side or perspective.

Stop. Listen. Practice being present to the person who’s speaking. Practice using your empathy to understand the other person more completely, before replying in any way. Give them the priceless gift of your full attention. Breathe deeply. Clear your mind. Let go of any preconceived judgments and assumptions. Listen with your whole being, not just your ears. Forget yourself and focus on the other person’s feelings and needs.

To put it in a nutshell, in all situations that call for listening, follow this Buddhist expression: “Don’t just do something, stand there!”

This week’s $10, reflective, food-for-thought questions are:

• Do you practice focusing your attention or do you have a tendency to jump from electronic device to electronic device? Are you addicted to continual, external stimulation? Before you say “no,” ask yourself if you could do without it for an hour, a day, or a week? If not, you’re addicted, justifications and denials notwithstanding.
• Would other people say you’re often the first to jump in with a suggestion, a solution, an answer — perhaps even when they may not be asking for one? Do you have a reputation as a person who’s always ‘fixing’ others? Do you ever hijack or ‘one-up’ others’ experiences?
• Do you feel you’re a good listener? How do you know? Would you feel comfortable asking others what they think about your listening skills?
• Would you consider yourself to be a compassionate and empathic person? Do you ever ask others if they think you understood them, before you claim you did understand them?
• What one or two ways this week or next can you find to “listen to understand before being understood?”

Technorati Tags: listening, listening skill, showing empathy, seeking understanding, focusing attention, giving someone your full attention, showing compassion, rushing into action, missing the point, addiction to stimulation

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