When everything becomes a ‘definite possibility’, nothing useful can come of any of it
In a time when stress is adversely coursing through so many people’s experience, ruining their quality of life, why are folks reluctant to slow down and stop living life at 90 miles an hour? Why are they unwilling to make healthy choices for the sake of their own well-being? Why is lifestyle change such a threat, such an overwhelming and fearful challenge? Why do people feel such a need to keep their options open and consider everything and everyone — as one client said to me recently about an event he was considering — “a definite possibility? A definite possibility? What’s that?
Why are life and lifestyle choices so painful? Why does every door have to remain open? Why does one need to consider ‘every’ option? Rather than cutting back, or narrowing down choices in the face of overwhelming stress, juggling options seems to be the day-to-day self-management tactic that has so people many feeling trapped and fearful. Yet, they trudge on.
Whether it’s an attachment or add-on they’ll probably never use for a new digital camera; or a continued relationship with an individual with whom they have nothing in common; or staying connected to a Yahoo or other on-line group to which they haven’t contributed in years; or an event for which they have season tickets and never attend, there’s a reason that keeps them going on going on. A reason that explains their fear of loss if they let go.
Why the attachment to keeping all the doors open?
What’s really underneath needing to have every option a possibility? Is it a form of ‘buyer’s remorse’ — that phenomenon that causes people to regret almost any decision immediately after making it? Or is it part of the human herd instinct — the desire to be approved by others?
For many, when options go away and doors close, they experience a disturbing sense of ‘missing out’. What if . . . ? Have I done the right thing? Suppose I change my mind? Suppose others say I’ve been stupid? Will they laugh at me?
This experience is deep, visceral (they feel it in their gut), and frightening. They need to feel they ‘belong’, connected to others. They fear they may be missing out on something good. They are anxious they might have made a mistake. So, to maintain a sense of security and control, they make up stories about why they need to keep all their options open; why nothing must be simply set aside, even if they have no real intention of ever choosing it. Even if adding to their open options all the times is gradually crushing them.
Facing emotional loss
This attachment to continually going over unlimited options and choices — even when you are overwhelmed and exhausted by the limitlessness of it all — is driven by the fear of what might happen if you eliminate even one option or close just one door. It’s a fear that seems infinitely greater than the distress and exhaustion you experience from keeping all the doors open. Emotionally and psychologically, many folks would prefer to die slowly from their stressors than face the emotional loss of opting out or closing a door.
So what is the source of this overwhelming fear?
The top fear in many people’s lives
When you look into it carefully, the answer is totally banal. It’s fear of the unknown. It’s preferring the devil you know to the devil you don’t. It’s fear of being laughed at for making a mistake. That’s all.
This simple fear causes people to work more hours; to take on more and more tasks and responsibilities; to spend an inordinate amount of time in constant contact and IM-ing on their electronic leashes; to drain their time and energy in social networking and in communities of practice and blogs; to go out eight nights a week; to spend inordinately on ’stuff’ to have all the options, bells and whistles; to stay connected to toxic people who deplete their energy; and to agonize obsessively over career and work changes and opportunities (the ‘everything is possible’, self-destructive syndrome). The list goes on and on, all fueled by fear of the unknown and the desire to fit in with others behaving the same way.
Why do you need to keep all those options open? How does it help you make clear decisions? How does it help anything in your life?
It doesn’t. People strive to keep all the doors open so they can feel engaged and in control. All that overworking, overbooking, over-engaging, over-spending, over-socializing, over-exercising, over-committing, over-doing, over-obsessing — just for fear of giving up an option or closing a door. It’s stressful and debilitating. It doesn’t have to be like that. And, that’s worth thinking about.
Here are some questions for self-reflection:
- When considering options, do I take an ‘everything is a definite possibility’ approach? What does that approach get me?
- Is it painful for me to give up options? If so, why is it so painful? What am I afraid of?
- Do I take an “everything is possible” approach to life so that I am mentally, emotionally and physically or spiritually exhausted with choosing among possibilities?
- What would happen if I closed just one door, or eliminated a single option to a life or work choice I am considering now? How does that thought make me feel in my gut?
- Am I in relationships that are draining or toxic? Why do I choose to stay?
- At work, do I take on more and more tasks and responsibilities to the extent they are affecting my health?
- Do I (honestly) engage in social networking purely to stay connected and feel I belong? How would I feel if I stopped or cut back?
- How do I feel about being alone? Do I feel comfortable and secure in my own skin? Am I OK being in silence?
Technorati Tags: overwork, fear of exclusion, obsessive activity, burnout, stress, stress at work, working long hours, decision making, letting go of options,
Related articles by Zemanta
- Work Stress? It’s a State of Mind
- Whatever You Fear, You Must Face
- Excerpt: Sue Johnson’s ‘new book Hold Me Tight’
August 1st, 2008 at 11:18 am
Hi Peter. Great article. At first I was going to ask if you and Steve Roesler had coordinated today, but then I realized it was only my comment on his post that made me feel like the two were connected.
My own pain in closing doors seems to be more related to fear of being wrong. I’m afraid of finding that perfect thing and not being able to do it because I took the wrong path, or, even worse, of having someone think I’m not interested in the perfect thing because I was just bad at defining what I wanted.
I’m pretty good at managing my fear and have closed many doors, especially in the last couple of years. It gets easier each time and with increasing self-awareness, but I don’t expect it will ever go away entirely.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Hi, Beth,
Thanks for your comments and sharing part of your story. The fear of being “bad” or “wrong” is the basis for most folks’ stress, and other “issues”. This fear stems from childhood and is usually associated with a self-image we took on as children which garnered us love, acceptance, approval, etc., but now as adults, we bring this “good little boy” or “good little girl” with us, with it’s attendant fear, and often show up playing small, feeling invisible, not having our “voice”, and not standing up for our self-e.g., not speaking up or out, not writing our play, poetry or singing our music, not taking risks, not being “me”, etc.
You are right on target, Beth - the more self-aware we become, the more authentic we become, the more authentic we become, the more doors we can close, the more doors we can close the more “free” we feel, and the more authentic we become, the less we allow the fear of being “bad” or “wrong” to get in the way of being our true and real self, and more easily move away from the the fear-based self-image of who we think we are.
It may never go away, but the more we do the “work” around it, it becomes less debilitating and easier to “move through” when it arises…it stays more in the background, and less in the foreground, of our daily life.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:23 am
> It’s fear of being laughed at for making a mistake.
> That’s all.
> This simple fear causes people to work more hours;
> to take on more and more tasks and responsibilities;
I do not fully agree to this. I think the fear behind is the fear of going under, of not surviving - even if such a fear is not fitting as well. The fear of being wrong is not necessarily because somebody could laugh or you could loose your image - I think the fear goes deeper.
But I agree fully with you that keeping all doors open does not solve the problem.
Maybe you want to read my recent post which somehow is related here because talking of decisions and related fears: http://1-2-solved.blogspot.com/2008/08/information-overflow.html
August 4th, 2008 at 2:49 am
Hi, This is a really nice post. My experience is that it is actually far worse to be wavering between two (or more) different options than actually coming down on one side or the other. Once the decision is made, life is better and I am able to move on and grasp life fully again. Although occasionally I wonder if I made the right decision, I would do this whichever decision I made, but this is better than making no decision at all. And taking responsibility for making a decision rather than letting it come upon me is also a very good feeling.
August 4th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Hi, Martin
I agree with you. On a deeper psycho-emotional level, the fear is a fear of death, not physical death, per se, although it could be, but more often, an “ego death” that accompanies a feeling that I have lost my identity, or I have lost control, or no one really “sees” or recognizes me…like being jettisoned into space without a parachute and in free fall…this is what it often feels like when someone feels the have lost control of their life and thus feel the need to hang on to everything…keep all doors open…it is about survial of one’s self image, of who they think they are..and they need to keep this image alive in order to feel like “someebody” and to keep it alive they have to have their hand sin everything….keep all the doors open…it feels very “grounding” to them.
August 4th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Hi, Naomi,
Thanks for your comment and you sesm to have found a worthy solution for yourself when faced with myriad options…and too, no decision, is, in fact, a decision…often times, self-defeating, but a decision nevertheless. Maybe it’s not always the right decision, but with sufficient introspection afterwards, it can lead to addtional awareness and insight. Mistakes, always reflected upon consciously, lead to wisdom.