“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”—Mark Twain
Take a moment and reflect on your relationships. Ask yourself, “How much does the ‘I’m right—you’re wrong’ dynamic play out in my everyday interactions?” Most everyone is tested with this dynamic every day—in face-to-face interactions, in phone conversations and in emails. Perhaps they’re not aware of it at the time, but the majority of people seem consistently feel the need to be right; not only be right, but prove the other person wrong.
Our ego personality is the culprit. It wants to feel strong and secure. So, whenever we have the sense we may be wrong, it reacts by making us feel angry and afraid. The deal is that someone always has to lose in this dynamic. That’s why it always leads to interpersonal interactions that foster mistrust, conflict and competition—they’re all based on fear.
Transcending the merely personal
The solution is not to live in a world of polarity, but of perspective; in a world of differences, not in a world of debate; in a world of “both/and”, not “either/or”. The challenge is how to live in a way that transcends the personal and focuses on commonalities. In the world of the ego, it’s all about being separate and independent—win-lose, me versus you. In the world of commonality, it’s about “you and me” and win-win.
Making this change faces us all with important questions. What excuses are we using to rationalize and justify a ‘win-lose’, ‘me vs. you’, dynamic that fosters disconnection? Why can’t we feel content in being right without the need to make someone else accept being in the wrong? Why do we live from an “I’d rather be right than happy” perspective so much of the time?
Embracing separation
The truth is that, somewhere along the path of our growth, we separated from the interconnected aspects of our being and began to focus instead on becoming separate from one another. In the process, we either created, or were indoctrinated with, sets of beliefs, assumptions, and world views that we thereafter looked upon as constituting the essential “me.”
As a result, we live in a world with as many beliefs and opinions as there are people. We live life from an ego-directed place, so it’s “all about me.” That’s why, to feel secure as “me”, our reactions are to compete and put the other down—so the fear of losing “me” or being threatened can be taken away. That’s why our relationships are based on a continual need to be right: being right means that I can be “me” in a world where not being “me” is a threatening proposition.
If you are able to let go of your need to be right, you will able to live in a place that fosters inner peace, well-being, harmony and connectivity: a place from where you can create more conscious, honest and healthier relationships.
So, as you move through your day, will you take the time to ask yourself about your motivations for engaging in all those ‘win-lose’ conversations? Do you need to ‘win’ merely for selfish, manipulative or fearful reasons? What might happen if you sometimes let go of that constant need to be right?
Here are some questions to help that self-reflection:
- What is threatening to you about not being right?
- Are you sometimes enslaved by a need to be right? If so, how does this feeling affect you and those around you?
- How do you feel when you’re wrong? Why do you feel this way?
- What was it like to be ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ when you were growing up? What did ‘being right’ get you; what did ‘being wrong’ bring about?
- How does this dynamic now play out in your adult life?
- Would you rather be right or happy? Honestly?
Technorati Tags: ego, relationships, fear, being right, putting others in the wrong, the fear of losing
October 24th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
The entry into this destructive world starts in the first steps of education we take to acquire skill. Somehow we start to distinguish materials and beings through the differences we find between them and not through commonalities or both. This stays so imprinted in our mind that we always stress the differences to identify ourselves and not through the similarities. In this way we create a fractured world for ourselves with differences. Our insecurity in such a world grows as we don’t see the familiarity of commonality in anything. We grow lonely and stress being right to reassure ourselves we are powerful and safe. Perhaps we should change the orientation in education and start learning in finding commonalities.
October 25th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Hi, Sambit,
You hit on an important point, connectivity and the similarities among and between folks. Early on, when we create our “identity”, we often then use that identity to “separate” from others on many levels. We even separate from our true and real self, our Essential self, in the process. So this “split” becomes the wedge that divides us from the greater commonality of man. We then fight to hold on to our identity and one way we do this is by making others different from us.
Your point re: education is well taken…moving from an “I vs. you” and “us vs. them” to focus on what really consitutes a “we.” Consider what results that approach might bring.
Thanks for taking the time to share your insights.
October 27th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Excellent Post Dr. Vajda - I see the effects of the “win-lose” mentality every day in my consulting work. Thanks for sharing your insights on this important issue.
I have shared your post with my readers in my weekly Rainmaker ‘Fab Five’ blog picks of the week which can be viewed here: http://www.maximizepossibility.com/employee_retention/2008/10/the-rainmaker-3.html
Be well Peter!
October 27th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Peter,
An excellent article. My grandad always used to say, “It takes a big man to admit he is wrong” - I hope I have not forgotten this throughout the years.
October 27th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Hi, Simon,
Thanks for stopping by. Your grandpa had it right. It took a big man then and perhaps an even bigger man these days. Simple, but not easy.