You don’t have to stay with fixed stereotypes or rigid rules

 
“I often think it’s comical
How Nature always does contrive
That every boy and every gal
That’s born into the world alive
Is either a little Liberal
Or else a little Conservative!
Fa! La! La!

— Gilbert and Sullivan’s opera “Iolanthe” (1882)

There are times when it’s extremely tempting to believe that Gilbert had it right and that the world is composed of two kinds of people: stiff-necked, puritanical and rigid conservatives; and free-flowing, wishy-washy, politically-correct liberals.

Here’s what Thomas Jefferson wrote, long before “Ionlanthe” came on stage in London:

Men by their constitutions are naturally divided into two parties: 1. Those who fear and distrust the people, and wish to draw all powers from them into the hands of the higher classes. 2. Those who identify themselves with the people, have confidence in them, cherish and consider them as the most honest and safe, although not the most wise, depository of the public interests. In every country these two parties exist, and in every one where they are free to think, speak, and write, they will declare themselves. Call them, therefore, Liberals and Serviles, Jacobins and Ultras, Whigs and Tories, Republicans and Federalists, Aristocrats and Democrats, or by whatever name you please, they are the same parties still, and pursue the same object.

This view of the world as based on a simple dichotomy between right and left is tempting, but, I suspect, probably wrong. We all have both of these tendencies within us. Sometimes we’re concerned with stability and respect for the past, sometimes ready to take risks and pursue our freedom. The problem comes when one or other tendency gains a sufficient upper-hand to suppress the other one entirely.

This is certainly the case in a leader. A rigid, rule-bound, change-resisting leader can cause havoc. But so can a leader who applies such alight touch — and is so averse to setting any kind of boundaries or rules — that no one is quite sure of what they are supposed to do, and there is little or no co-ordination between people working towards the same goal. Read the full story

Are they pushing your buttons — or are you doing it to yourself?

There’s no question that in most every organization (plus home and anywhere else we spend time), we come face to face with folks who push our buttons, antagonize, frustrate, or otherwise annoy us. People who behave in ways that make us want to scream. They’re commonly referred to as ‘difficult’. Some we simply label irritating; some we label rude and some we label “impossible to work or be with”.

In my experience, however, the question is not so much what makes them difficult, but what we tell ourselves about them. It’s often that which makes them difficult. Underlying, supporting and triggering our reactions are the stories we tell ourselves: “She is so (fill in the blank) I could scream.” “The way he (fill in the action) is enough to make anyone mad.” “When they (fill in the situation), I just wanted to throttle them.” It’s not just our negative judgments, criticisms and frustrations that categorize them as difficult. It’s the way we repeat and elaborate them, internally or in conversation.

When we drill down to the truth of the matter, experience suggests that it’s not so much that another’s behavior is all that egregious or aberrant; the “truth” that mires us in anger and resentment comes from the story we have created — a story we assume is true, but which, in reality, is probably exaggerated a little more each time we re-tell it.

When you feel the urge to label another as “difficult”, a first step ought perhaps to be to check out the reality of the story; to review the facts and ward off any tendency to turn a single event into some kind of on-going saga. Read the full story

Life, like certain airlines, charges heavily for all the useless baggage you choose to drag around

Photo credit: Joe Shlabotnik

The media have been full of the extra charges certain airlines now make for transporting checked-in baggage — even a single piece. They want extra money to offset jet fuel prices, of course, but it will probably also focus people’s minds on whether they need to have all that ’stuff’ with them. If you’re anything like me, you always return from a trip with some things that you never used, however light you think you’ve packed.

It’s worth remembering that ‘excess baggage’ isn’t just a physical attribute of modern travel. We all carry heavy, unwanted baggage around with us, in the form of obsolete feelings, useless guilt, past hurts, ancient grudges and musty attitudes that have long ceased to serve any useful purpose — if they ever did.

Life charges us for all this; not just in terms of feeling hassled, anxious, and weighed down, but via the mistakes and messes we make because our minds are clogged by all the useless ’stuff’. It confuses us so we cannot see clearly what is needed right now.

We miss today’s opportunities while we are still dragging around some past hurt that we’ve never quite got over. We screw up new relationships, because we saddle them with concerns and fears from our past that have nothing whatsoever to do with this person, right now. We avoid something new and good because we can’t forget that time, long ago, when we took a risk and it didn’t work out. Read the full story