Poverty is more than being hungry, out-of-work and homeless
 

“How will integrity help race relations?” Helen Blocker Adams, the host at News Radio 1230 AM WNRR in Augusta, Georgia, asked me recently. I gulped. Because I am Canadian, I can talk about snow and hockey, but how could I answer this question?

After the interview, Helen smiled at me and said, “I know the right place to start!”

She joined me the next day in my home to talk. She told me about her non-profit organization and the need she had encountered with single mothers. “I want to do something about the situation I see emerging here in Georgia” she stated.

The poverty within

Helen showed me a quote from Mother Teresa that best expressed her feelings.

We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.

Helen looked me directly in the eyes as she said, “There is a sense of inner poverty that has enveloped the lives of many women. In this modern life of socio-economic disparity and media influenced perception of individual beauty, value and self-worth, many women find themselves alone on the outside looking in.”

She thought for a moment and tears formed in her eyes as she added, “Combine this with entitlement and instant gratification mentalities. We are seeing more and more women wrecked by the irrevocable consequences of poor decision making.”

>“Finally,” she went on, “these women understand that they live increasingly in a world driven by greed, bureaucracy and fear; a world governed by political and business leaders that destroy trust through severe lapses in ethical and moral judgment. As a result we have many who have lost trust in themselves, in the world they live and in their way of life.”

“Do you remember what Mother Teresa said about poverty?” she asked me. “We need to make a stand against any poverty that makes people feel unwanted, unloved and uncared for. I believe we need to start within the hearts and minds of women, especially the single mothers.”

I know many women are valued, but there are a growing number of women who are alone, feeling unloved, unwanted and uncared for. “Women and families are the cornerstone that many builders of our society have undervalued in the pursuit of prosperity. This cornerstone goes beyond religion and politics. It goes beyond everything that divides us to something that can unite us all,” Helen told me. “When we positively impact a woman’s sense of self, and her trust in a meaningful and productive way, it can create a domino effect and impact her family, her community, her workplace and her world. This, in turn, will impact her children’s education, the business community and other families.”

“That is where you come in,” she added as she smiled at me. “You are the missing piece of the puzzle that I have been looking for.”

At the core of all our lives is integrity

Personal integrity is a integrating process of renewal and healing that builds self esteem through making the right decision and following through by doing things right. Community integrity is completeness where everything and everyone works together for the individual and collective good of all.

Integrity is inclusive not exclusive. It is built on the value-added contributions of everyone not just a few. More importantly still today, it is rooted in adversity. It is here that the work of integrity is done.

A week later, the Southeast Enterprise Institute launched the first ever ‘Hope is Possible’ program. It is a pilot process created for women facing challenges. It has a goal (integrity), a structure (Seven Tracks of integrity), a well worn pathway (the Hero’s journey) and a process (theme and soul centered dialogs).

If it achieves success, it will not be there in the program. The success will be within the hearts and minds of the women who participate.

It is the right place to start . . . The time is always right to do what is right. — Martin Luther King Jr.

Technorati Tags: hope, integrity, possibility, women’s issues, families, inner poverty, doing what is right

Tackling issues requires different—often multiple — leadership approaches. The complexity of the situation will dictate the response. While routine problems are generally solved through experience and expertise, complex issues tend to be tackled more effectively with innovative solutions.

Ronald Heifetz, Harvard professor and co-founder of its Center for Public Leadership, encourages leaders to act according to these principles when the going gets tough, like today:

• Openly acknowledge the complexity of the issues head on, without attempting to minimize the difficulties involved. Research has found that ignoring or oversimplifying complex challenges does not work.
• Avoid authoritative (top-down) solutions. Shift responsibility for problems from the leader to the primary stakeholders.
• Consider how individuals’ differing values influence their views and behaviors. This is not a “right” or “wrong” analysis. Rather, it is an acknowledgment that, as everyone views situations differently, buy-in necessitates a multi-pronged approach.

A way forward

Consider the challenges that you are facing. What is and is not working? Map it out. Think about how you are communicating with your teams. Heifetz suggests those who are think about and incorporate the concepts noted above manage more effectively.

Now try these five tips, which I have based on his principles:

1. Confront the problem. Don’t dodge the issue. Acknowledge it openly.
2. Reject absolutes. Get comfortable with the idea that there is no “right” answer.
3. Avoid expressions of power or dominance. Promote and encourage an atmosphere in your teams that is conducive to cooperative thought and execution.
4. Celebrate differences. Acknowledge that differences are vital to a full appreciation of issues and their most effective resolution.
5. Recognize your own built-in bias. No one person’s ideas will ever represent an absolute truth— and that includes yours.

There is no one, single, perfect way to get a difficult job done—quite the contrary. Eliciting the best performance possible demands an environment that rewards innovation and cooperation as a means to results. But should things turn sour, and a complex problem become a “crisis”, the best way to begin turning your issue around starts with slowing down and thinking fully about the issues involved.

Theodore Roosevelt said: “The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good [people] to do what he wants done, and self-restraint to keep from meddling with them while they do it.” Make an assessment of your own performance in dealing with tough times. Try implementing some of the ideas above in areas needing improvement. I believe that you’ll see more innovation and a wider ownership of the need for action as a result.

Technorati Tags: handing tough issues, leadership principles, facing up to problems, innovation, celebrating differences

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“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”—Mark Twain
 

Take a moment and reflect on your relationships. Ask yourself, “How much does the ‘I’m right—you’re wrong’ dynamic play out in my everyday interactions?” Most everyone is tested with this dynamic every day—in face-to-face interactions, in phone conversations and in emails. Perhaps they’re not aware of it at the time, but the majority of people seem consistently feel the need to be right; not only be right, but prove the other person wrong.

Our ego personality is the culprit. It wants to feel strong and secure. So, whenever we have the sense we may be wrong, it reacts by making us feel angry and afraid. The deal is that someone always has to lose in this dynamic. That’s why it always leads to interpersonal interactions that foster mistrust, conflict and competition—they’re all based on fear.

Transcending the merely personal

The solution is not to live in a world of polarity, but of perspective; in a world of differences, not in a world of debate; in a world of “both/and”, not “either/or”. The challenge is how to live in a way that transcends the personal and focuses on commonalities. In the world of the ego, it’s all about being separate and independent—win-lose, me versus you. In the world of commonality, it’s about “you and me” and win-win.

Making this change faces us all with important questions. What excuses are we using to rationalize and justify a ‘win-lose’, ‘me vs. you’, dynamic that fosters disconnection? Why can’t we feel content in being right without the need to make someone else accept being in the wrong? Why do we live from an “I’d rather be right than happy” perspective so much of the time?

Embracing separation

The truth is that, somewhere along the path of our growth, we separated from the interconnected aspects of our being and began to focus instead on becoming separate from one another. In the process, we either created, or were indoctrinated with, sets of beliefs, assumptions, and world views that we thereafter looked upon as constituting the essential “me.”

As a result, we live in a world with as many beliefs and opinions as there are people. We live life from an ego-directed place, so it’s “all about me.” That’s why, to feel secure as “me”, our reactions are to compete and put the other down—so the fear of losing “me” or being threatened can be taken away. That’s why our relationships are based on a continual need to be right: being right means that I can be “me” in a world where not being “me” is a threatening proposition.

If you are able to let go of your need to be right, you will able to live in a place that fosters inner peace, well-being, harmony and connectivity: a place from where you can create more conscious, honest and healthier relationships.

So, as you move through your day, will you take the time to ask yourself about your motivations for engaging in all those ‘win-lose’ conversations? Do you need to ‘win’ merely for selfish, manipulative or fearful reasons? What might happen if you sometimes let go of that constant need to be right?

Here are some questions to help that self-reflection:

• What is threatening to you about not being right?
• Are you sometimes enslaved by a need to be right? If so, how does this feeling affect you and those around you?
• How do you feel when you’re wrong? Why do you feel this way?
• What was it like to be ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ when you were growing up? What did ‘being right’ get you; what did ‘being wrong’ bring about?
• How does this dynamic now play out in your adult life?
• Would you rather be right or happy? Honestly?

Technorati Tags: ego, relationships, fear, being right, putting others in the wrong, the fear of losing

Most people don’t really want to heal: they just want less pain and suffering while staying the same.
 

What most people seem to be looking for today is another “magic pill”, instant-cure approach to alleviate the pain, discomfort and frustration in their lives. They say they to want to find healing—may even think they mean it intellectually or emotionally—but their preferred solution is still the quick fix: the ‘pill’—chemical or non-chemical (food, alcohol, TV, sex, surgery)—to alleviate their discomfort and take away their symptoms.

Pain brings a cry for change, but once the discomfort disappears, they want to get back back to “normality”, not continue towards true healing. That’s scary and threatening. It requires asking yourself how you are contributing to your own discomfort, and how far you are responsible for what is causing the problem. Which of your thoughts, beliefs, choices and actions are causing the imbalance and unhappiness you are now experiencing? Then it challenges you to to make the necessary changes to reduce or eliminate the dis-harmony.

These are profound and difficult questions to face, which is why people think about change far more than they take positive and sustaining action to make it happen. Thinking is easy and costs little. Action is often neither of those.

What stands in the way of willingness to change is ego.

Ego is necessary. It supports you, creates your personality and individuality, acts like the clothes you put on in the morning in helping you be ‘you’ when you go out into the world. Ego helps you appear to be who you say you are; to remember where you left your wallet and what time the team meeting is.

Unfortunately, your ego also feels that it’s its job to keep your image of yourself safe and protect the lenses through which you see the world. That’s why we all spend so much of our lives defending ourselves against others—sitting in judgment, acting critical, defensive or resentful; resisting change in an effort to avoid more pain and suffering.

Fear comes from the ego. How many of your thoughts are healing or loving thoughts, how many are ‘killing’ ones—fear-based, judgmental, scary, hurtful and negative? Your ego believes that your most limiting beliefs are necessary, even when they cause you pain. Why? Because it imagines that the pain you experience protects you (and it) from a much greater pain: the pain of death and dissolution.

Ego wants to feel safe. When it comes to changing your (actually your ego’s) beliefs and thoughts about life and living, your ego becomes scared. It tries to ensure that you continue to think, believe, and behave exactly as you have in the past. According to your ego, change is hurtful. It wants to keep you (and itself) safe by not changing in any significant way.

Ego prefers thoughts and more pain to actions that threaten its security. That’s why, when people start to realize change is needed, their ego diverts them into seeking out what’s ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ about them. You can spend a huge amount of time beating yourself up over that—all without doing anything to change. You have the illusion of working for change, but none of the substance of changing.

Quieting your ego

If you want true and real change, you must first allow your beliefs and thoughts freedom from instant censorship—just observing them without judging. This action quiets the ego, your ever-present Inner Judge and Critic. It wants you to feel small, scared, wrong and bad. It wants you to set aside the freedom to think new thoughts and take up new beliefs. It wants to block you from making different choices or walking down new paths.

You created most of your limiting and painful beliefs about yourself and the world around you, typically in childhood. You used whatever resources you had at that time, so you could feel safe and garner Mommy and Daddy’s love, attention, approval and recognition. Those beliefs maybe worked then. They don’t work so well now. They need to be updated.

We can all can change our thoughts and beliefs. Despite what our egos tell us, doing so won’t kill us or even cause us greater pain. We can realign our lives by creating new, supportive thoughts and by choosing to act on what they show us. If you really want to heal, that choice is yours to make. What better time than now?

Here are some questions for self-reflection:

• What stories do you tell yourself to keep you from making real change in your life? What beliefs or blockages prevent you from experiencing new ways of doing things?
• Do you constantly beat yourself up? Do you constantly label yourself as ‘bad’, ‘wrong’ or ‘not good enough’ in some way? Would you allow your friends and colleagues to speak to you in the way your ego—your Inner Judge and Critic—speaks to you?
• Do your current beliefs bring you happiness (be honest) or pain and suffering (be equally honest)? If the latter, why do you continue to hold them and allow them to run your life? What would it take to heal yourself?
• The average person has 16,000 thoughts a day. Would you characterize the majority of yours as ‘healing’ (love-based) or ‘killing’ (fear-based)?
• Did you ever just observe your thoughts without getting caught up in them, or in a ’story’? What is that like?
• What one or two debilitating or limiting beliefs would you like to update right now? Can you do it? Will you?
• What one or two baby steps can you take this week or next to make changes in your life by creating new thoughts and beliefs about yourself—and then taking action?

Technorati Tags: change, security, keeping your beliefs intact, sticking with the past, the illusion of the ego, believing your Inner Critic, stuck in painful beliefs, fear of change

Why I threw away my seven-step, sure-fire, principle-based problem solving methodology in favor of watching my son learning to stand up.
 

Most people believe that their problems are unique to them. Many people believe problems are not a good thing to have. Some people make a living solving other people’s problems. And then there’s me: my problem is that I see problems like mosquitoes hovering around me in the woods and frankly they just bug me. I want to know the nature of problems—and, more importantly, how to get rid of them.

This is what I know so far:

• Problems are, by nature, problematic. Collectively, we have environmental, political, economic, and social problems. Individually, we have health, emotional, mental, social and spiritual problems. All problems can be frightening, challenging and controversial.
• Problems are persistent. They keep coming back if not solved properly.
• Problems are timeless and universal. Everyone who has every lived, everyone who is living now and everyone who will live in the future has and will have essentially similar problems.
• Problems are paradoxical and hierarchical. We have global problems and we have local problems. These problems can be simple or complex. Whether global or local, simple or complex, some problems are more important at different times in different places.
• Problems are common and ordinary. Everyone has problems and everyone solves problems in their own way. We are addicted to problems. We love to talk about our problems and we especially love to solve the problems of others! Problems are rationalizations and justifications for just about anything that happens in this world. We fill our newspapers and TV’s with them. Books and movies are built around them. Yet problems also are the very essence of human progress and individual growth.

Studying problem-solving doesn’t help

With this profound clarity about the nature of problems, I have come to this staggering self-evident conclusion: If you live, then you will have problems. Problems are requisite to life as we know it. Yet even if we know that problems are problematic, timeless, universal, paradoxical, hierarchical, common and ordinary, we still haven’t determined how to solve them.

So, I embarked on a study of everyday problem solving. I watched my neighbors solve problems. I talked to business people about their problems. I listened to politicians talking about problems on TV and in newspapers. I read books about famous problem solvers and I researched problem-solving on the Internet.

I came away more confused than ever.

Finally, I concluded that the world needed a new problem-solving methodology that was simple and easy. Based on my research into the principles of integrity, I created a seven-step, sure-fire, principle-based problem solving methodology.

That went out the window when I watched my ten-month old son solve the basic problem of standing. I couldn’t teach him the seven step approach— and besides, he seemed to be doing fine all by himself.

The built-in method

That son of mine cannot hold a conversation in any language and is just now grappling with the notion of “no”. He barely understands the notion of balance, let alone the laws of physics required to stand up.

Yet he was solving the problem of standing naturally. It was as if some internal compass pointed to the problem and the internal physical and mental systems required to complete the job kick-started all by themselves. Without even knowing what he expected to accomplish, he began the process of overcoming his present limitations.

He was solving the problem spontaneously and creatively as well. Every time he got the opportunity, he leveraged himself up in any way he could, using any possible physical object within reach. He was unrelenting in his pursuit. Every day in every way he was practicing and learning.

He also had a good attitude for problem solving. He was undeterred by success or failure. If he fell down, he got up. If he got up, he tried to walk. He was not looking for approval. He was not competing with anyone or for anything. He didn’t care about his ten-month-old friend who could already walk.

Problem-solving via wholeness

Integrity is defined as wholeness, consistency and objectivity. In simple words, it is doing the right thing, doing the next right thing and doing things right.

Wholeness is the state of completeness. The problem of not being able to stand was overcome in order that he could become complete a standing in order to solve the problem of walking. Becoming complete is a natural process that begins with conception.and includes a built-in compass that identifies and engages problems. Problem solving becomes a natural process that stimulates the journey to completion.

Consistency is the state of holding things together in time and space. Following the natural inclination to overcome the problem of standing, a baby is disciplined and relentless in its use of time, and incredibly creative in using everything in the immediate world to complete the task.

Objectivity is the ability to deal with the features and characteristics of the problem, not the thoughts about the problem. Babies are pure in their approach. They don’t think about the problem the way we do. They just work on it and learn from it. Nor does a baby measure success or failure the way we measure it. They are not looking for fame, fortune or power. They solve problems without competition and stress.

What does this mean for you and me?

Integrity based problem solving simply means getting back to these basics:

• Problem-solving is a natural and essential process that we are well equipped to do even if we have forgotten how. And problems never go away even if we want them to. So we better get good at it!
• You have everything you need right in front of you to solve problems. You have all time you need and more than enough resources. Even if you are not good at one type of problem, you can always hire someone who is.
• Problem-solving will teach you purity of thought and objectivity in action. Aren’t these goals enough of reason to engage any problem?

The next time you have a problem, try the integrity-based approach. Do the right thing, do the next right thing and do things right.

Technorati Tags: problem-solving, problem solving, doing things right, finding answers to our problems, integrity in action, natural problem solving approach

How hype and stereotyping are warping people’s view of a whole generation
 

There is something poignant about being 57 years old and a “Baby Boomer.” As the nearly 77 million members of my generation are reaching retirement, the images and metaphors describing us have taken a decidedly unflattering turn.

No longer are we the golden boys and girls—the youth generation and the generation that trusted “no one over thirty.” Instead we are the butt of growing ridicule and denunciation.

Paul Begala, writing in Esquire, said:

“If they [Baby Boomers] were animals they’d be a plague of locusts, devouring everything in their path and leaving nothing but a wasteland. If they were plants, they’d be kudzu, choking off every other living thing with their sheer mass.”

He even wrote a whole article about how much he hates Baby Boomers.

Joe Queenan in Balsamic Dreams: A Short But Self-Important History of the Baby Boomer Generation made a similar claim:

“This is what makes Baby Boomers different: They’re stupefyingly self-centered, unbelievably rude, and obnoxious beyond belief, and they’re everywhere.”

Baby Boomers are facing an image problem that could have tragic repercussions as we face the treacherous transition from wage earners to retirees. As the country faces the prospect of having over 20% of its population qualifying for Social Security and Medicare, demonizing Baby Boomers seems to be the mode du jour.

Time to speak out?

How do we Boomers respond as we are being reduced in the media to metaphors such as “locusts” or “kudzu”? I believe that we must speak up and challenge these images; left unchecked, negative images have historically had a way of taking root and growing poisonous fruit.

Consider how the Baby Boomers’ image has shifted from the “most educated, idealistic, tolerant, and socially conscious” generation to what Peter Begala calls a “Garbage barge of a generation that ruined everything . . . in its wake.” Descriptions of the Baby Boomers have changed between 1946 and now as the Baby Boom generation begins shifting from an economic boom for the American economy to an economic time bomb.

The Baby Boom created a huge market for housing, consumer goods, and advertising that fueled the economic boom and social policies of the 50’s and 60’s. As we entered the marketplace, our sheer numbers swelled the GNP to staggering heights. As we paid our taxes, we have provided the funding to social security that supports the largest elderly population ever to exist in unprecedented affluence.

As we move from our peak earning years to retirement, we will be counting on the Social Security, Medicare and other services that we have paid for all these years. fears that the funds will not be there to provide for the aging have prompted many economists to predict a disastrous competition for services between the young and the old, if Boomers vote in a block against programs for younger families and education.

Facing up to reality

It is important that the need for education and supports for young families be given recognized and supported by us even as we age. We cannot afford to become the stereotypical elderly who vote down funding for education and resources, hiding from the complexities and challenges in a world where over 20% of the population will be over 60. We won’t be able to ignore the impact of this demographic shift on us all; but we can—and must—go forward with awareness and determination to remember that the challenges are caused by a unique demographic pattern and are not driven by any evil intent or personal perversion invented by the Baby Boomers.

Our generation of leaders must carry forward a sense of balance by actively seeking ways to get material and social needs met without denying the needs of young families and children. It is in our power to find ways to support and nurture the future by considering the needs of society as a whole, and not isolating ourselves in ‘active adult’ communities.

By actively advocating for fairness and investing in the future even as we compete for resources with the citizens of that future, we make a lie of labels like “selfish” and “locusts” by leading in ways that demonstrate our humanity.

A wonderful resource

Baby Boomers are, as a group, blessed with education, wealth, and enough members to seem invincible. But history teaches us that no group can withstand persistent negative stereotyping without suffering. No nation can develop successful social policy when it uses stereotype to justify its treatment of groups of its citizens.

Even as the economic crisis that the aging Baby Boomers pose for the nation is beginning, the negative shift in the public image of our demographic cannot be ignored. Just as the vilification of minority groups is used to rationalize harsh and unfair treatment of those groups, vilification can be used to isolate the Baby Boomer generation and justify unfair economic treatment of us as we age by reducing us to a garbage barge of a generation, without a human face.

“A rose will bloom, it then will fade. / So does a youth; / So does the fairest maid.”—“Romeo and Juliet”, Franco Zeffirelli, 1968

Technorati Tags: baby boomers, baby boomer generation, stereotyping, social justice

Why the problems of Wall Street are only symptoms
 

I’m sure, like me, you’re drowning in reports, debates, opinions, treatises, articles and sound bites about recent events on Wall Street.

While most of these have focused on issues of financial credit, commercial paper, stocks, mortgages, the housing crisis, executive greed and the like, what shouts out at me is a deeper issue—an erosion of trust leading to a systemic breakdown in relationships.

There was a time when a loan or mortgage was processed between two individuals, a banker and a borrower. It resulted in a long-term working relationship demanding trust, transparency and honesty. Today, this lending relationship—along with most others—has morphed into a fragmented process: what was once a meeting of individuals has become a soulless transaction involving numerous players, each of whom exercises their function for a brief period, then moves on; and none of whom have the time or inclination to treat any of the others as real, flesh-and-blood human beings.

As Joan Borysenko writes: “We cannot serve at a distance. We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected, that which we are willing to touch.” Without relationships, little is left that can serve as the basis for on-going trust.

From Wall Street to Main Street

What has been happening on Wall Street is also happening on Main Street. The dynamic we have come to know as ‘relationship’ is disintegrating, replaced by a connection or transaction, most often based on superficial, fleeting contacts characterized by distance and impersonal channels. Whether that contact comes through e-mail, cellphone, Blackberry, Twitter, social networking sites or texting, this electronic connection is devoid of direct, personal contact. There’s no face-to-face interaction, so emotional connection is lost.

With that loss, trust erodes. You no longer have to face the person you’re dealing with; look in his or her eyes and become aware of human contact at an emotional level. And as relationships shift into impersonal modes, untrustworthy behavior gets easier. Telling a bare-faced lie over the telephone or via e-mail is far simpler and more tempting than trying to carry it off in a face-to-face meeting.

Relationships that produce openness and trust can only be cultivated when all parties experience an emotional ‘safe zone’. That’s why, when relationships are replaced by “electronic” interactions and transactions, emotional connection—the human factor that creates true relationships—goes missing; along with feelings of warmth and friendship towards the other person: what marriage researcher John Gottman says is the definitive foundational element that determines the sustainability of relationships. When there is no emotional connection, there is no friendship. No friendship, no trust. No trust, no honesty, no transparency, no truth-telling.

Emotional connection is blocked by transmission through the ether

The ether through which electronic connections are made—whether with banks, other businesses, our loved ones or friends and colleagues—cannot transmit this ‘safe zone’ or generate feelings of trustworthiness. The major unintended consequence of all our ‘separation by electronics’ is the erosion of genuine human contact. Without it, so-called relationships become mere temporary linkings of convenience, as easily broken off as established.

Within an electronic, transactional world, more and more people may be connecting, but fewer and fewer folks are relating. We may live in an increasingly inter-connected world, but we are experiencing a far less inter-related one. Thanks to the fragmentation of relationships—one major consequence of living in such a culture—human contact is more likely to be limited to a phone call, an e-mail, or a quick “cu” text message. This is a poor substitute for real conversation and authentic dealings with another human being. It’s questionable whether it represents actual contact at all.

The disintegrating relationships on Wall Street and Main Street are symptomatic of a greater threat and challenge—one based on living in a world where all this superficial inter-connecting is replacing deeper inter-relating. Even as it becomes easier than ever to stay ‘in touch’, our capacity actually to touch one another—physically or emotionally—is slipping away. No wonder the willingness to trust is failing as well.

Here are some questions for self-reflection:

• How many people do you deal with personally after the initial contact. Do you ‘hand them off’ to others? Are you available to them personally if they want to contact you later on?
• Do you establish actual relationships with colleagues, co-workers and clients? How about your children? Do you ever view direct contact with others as an irritant or a distraction? Do you prefer to connect with people at arm’s length?
• What is your preferred mode of communicating at work—in person or by electronic device (even when in-person is very do-able)?
• How would you describe the nature of your relationships at work: ‘connecting’ or ‘relating’? What would others say about you?
• How many chairs in your home actually face one another? How often do you have face-to-face conversations with each other as opposed to ’snippets’ sitting side by side while watching TV, reading the paper or handling some business document? When you and your family sit down for meals, is the cell phone also a required utensil?
• When you are with others, do they spend more time looking at some electronic device than they do engaged in meaningful conversation with you and each other? What about you? Is your cell phone or BlackBerry with you at every moment?

Technorati Tags: relationships, communication, human contact, trust, being face-to-face, establishing trust, listening, being available

If you don’t enjoy your day at work, you may need to look inward for a solution
 

There’s a lot of concentration today, quite correctly, on the need for organizations to provide a more humane working environment. But good working environments don’t make happy workers all by themselves. You can lead a horse to the water, open its mouth and force its nose below the surface, but you can’t make it swallow.

I am not saying that people actually want to be unhappy at work, but employees are not blank slates to be written on; they bring their emotional and intellectual baggage with them to work, just as they take it home again.

Let’s take a simple example; you’re a middle-level employee of a large organization, arriving at work on a Monday morning. What do we get if we open up your head and look inside? First, there’s the row you had with your spouse last night; you have an uncomfortable feeling it might start again when you get home. Parking the car, you remember that it has a problem you really must get fixed this week. Hope it’s not as expensive as last time; you really can’t afford another bill like that. Going through the door, your stomach tightens as you also remember you have an objective-setting meeting with your new boss later in the morning. That sort of meeting is never fun. Finally, you arrive at your floor and see Smith, a person you dislike rather a lot, smugly admiring his new office suite. You can’t understand why he ever got that promotion, but the word is that he’s popular with senior management and will go far. You might even wind up working for him. What then? Should you leave? Who would employ you? And the first email message you come across is to call someone in the HR department as a matter of urgency—someone you’ve never heard of. Oh dear, what can that possibly be about?

Understanding your ego

So it goes on. In a way you are probably half-unconscious of, you’re tired, irritable and worried and you haven’t yet done a stroke of work; or rather, it’s not you who are worried. It’s your ego. In Latin, ‘ego’ simply meant ‘I’. It was taken over as a way of translating Sigmund Freud’s expression “Das Ich” into English. It means essentially the conscious, rational mind—the sense of self and individualism. It’s used in a rather vaguer sense in popular psychology, and in Buddhism it’s the thing that causes all our trouble and unhappiness.

Don’t be nervous or leave this article now. Buddhism is actually just a highly-sophisticated system of mental training, developed by practical people over thousands of years. What Buddhists say, is that your ego doesn’t really exist. What you think of as yourself—the person who is angry, upset, disappointed, hopeful, uncertain—is just a collection of noises in your head, patterns others have imprinted on you, and fears and fantasies about things that haven’t happened yet and probably won’t.

It’s not really you who are upset about Smith’s promotion, it’s your ego. You’re not really worried about answering questions on your expenses—your ego remembers the humiliation of being told off when you were a child. If you can still the chatter of what Buddhists call the “monkey mind,” you will find the real you underneath all that. Until you can, all this debate about multi-tasking is rather beside the point. You are probably ‘doing’ twenty things at once in your head, at a minimum, almost all of them negative and useless.

Are you here, or somewhere in the future or the past?

Notice that none of the events I’ve listed is happening right now. In fact, we are usually so obsessed with resentment of the past and fears about the future, that we forget that life is only a series of present moments. Unfortunately, the mind does not distinguish very well between things that are happening right now, and things that happened in the past or might happen in the future. So we relive events and anticipate events not only emotionally, but physically as well. In your head, you start running through what you are going to say to your boss and your throat tightens as though you were really there.

There is a simple cure for this; every time you have a though about the past or the future, if it’s negative, say to yourself: “I’m glad that’s not happening now”. Try it. You’ll be surprised. There are a few other things you can do also to still the chatter of the monkey mind, all extremely banal and none requiring any special equipment.

How to deal with your ‘monkey mind’

Sit still in your office chair for two minutes. I bet you can’t do it. Your mind is full of thoughts which have physical consequences. You start to think of Smith’s promotion and your jaw begins to clench and naturally you sit forward in your chair. If you can manage it though, your mind will be quieter when you have finished.

Take a document, any document, and read it through without your mind wandering. If your mind wanders, notice where it goes to. “It’s a report by so-and-so. Pompous idiot. I remember that meeting—or was it somebody else; wait, I think I’ve still got a record of that meeting in my notebook . . .”

Train yourself to sit motionless for five seconds when new e-mail arrives. E-mail exists for you, not the other way round. Slowly, the hormones of fear and excitement that your body naturally secretes, and you are only vaguely conscious of, will start to be produced less often.

Buddhists have always known that you can’t repress thoughts, and you can’t think of nothing. All the Zen arts, from archery to the tea ceremony, are designed to still and calm the mind and teach concentration by focusing on one thing. So think of one thing, and you will not think of many things.

Let’s take the most banal example imaginable; lunch. Do you eat a sandwich at your desk? Then notice the sandwich. What’s in it, what the texture is, what it tastes like, how many bites it took you to finish it. It’s not enlightenment, necessarily, but it’s a start.

When you give up the incessant mental chatter, when you learn to concentrate, you’ll not only work better, you’ll be happier.

Technorati Tags: focus, concentration, being in the now, stilling the mind, Buddhism in the office, learning to concentrate

It’s better to be respected and not liked than to be liked and not respected
 

One of the critical things that a leader must possess is honesty. Not only in the sense that they ought to be honest in their behavior, but also in that they must call things as they see them. Without doubt, leaders come upon countless situations in which they must figure out the “right” way to say something to an employee or group of employees. For me, the easiest way to address these situations is to ignore the politics and just say what you believe to be the clearest, most honest communication you can put together. Often, people try to couch things in certain ways hoping that the desired message will be interpreted by the recipient.

I strongly encourage those around me to speak openly and candidly with the focus being overall performance. Sometimes, it may create negative feelings, but when couched in the choice of (1) saying something to make the person aware or (2) not saying something and hoping for positive change, there can be no clearer answer than to say something as clearly as possible.

Clarity counts

When a difficult situation arises, you have a couple of choices to deal with it: you can say something or you can say nothing.

For example, if an employee charged with an assignment does not perform to expectations, you can tell them or stay silent and hope they’ll somehow change. For sure, the best thing that you can do to prevent similar situations from recurring is to speak out clearly and without ambiguity. After all, how will they know that they missed expectations, or know how to correct things in the future, without a clear, unambiguous communication telling them so?

Of course, they may not find that type of communication easy to hear—they may hope you haven’t noticed the undesirable performance—but that’s the way it is. In my experience though, people very often respond to open communication with appreciation both for the honesty and for the opportunity to correct course going forward.

Straight talk may not be comfortable for you either

Delivering open, honest criticism can open you up to being labeled with less than desirable names. But, in a classic risk-reward trade off, it also can lead to being considered a clear, candid communicator.

Without such communications, individuals who perform less than ideally would not be given productive, fruitful criticism; and would not likely modify their future behavior or performance. If that’s tolerated, others in the organization who witness this may come to the conclusion that senior management simply doesn’t care about the quality of employee performance. This belief, if allowed to fester and pervade an organization, can undermine people and business alike.

To ensure the best team performance and outcomes, be sure to speak clearly, openly and as honestly as you can. To me, the risk of being labeled negatively is far less important than the gains in performance that come from plain speaking—let alone the respect which you’ll earn for demonstrating a commitment to candor and integrity.

Remember, it’s better to be respected and not liked than to be liked and not respected—even if it hurts.

Technorati Tags: communication, straight talking, openness, candor, honesty, integrity

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What you can learn about yourself when you act without thought
 

Photo: Kevin Rosseel

During the week of August 4th, 2008, a man in Milwaukee, WI loaded his shotgun and shot his lawn mower because it wouldn’t start.

What brings someone to the point where he wants to shoot something, or smash it, or kick the stuffing out of it? When walking through Home Depot and coming upon a lawn mower, my sense is that you wouldn’t rush over to beat it senseless. When coming upon the words “fax machine” in a dictionary, you don’t immediately go into a tirade. These are simply inanimate objects. They have neither life nor consciousness.

So, what’s at play here? Nothing can make us feel what we don’t want to feel. This bears repeating. Nothing can make us feel what we don’t want to feel. While blaming and feeling the victim are an art form in our Western culture, this fact remains a fact—nothing can make us feel what we don’t want to feel.

William Shakespeare wrote: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Carl Jung said, ““Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Let’s take the liberty of stretching this thought a bit: “Everything that irritates us about inanimate objects can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Read the full story