“Anger is that powerful internal force that blows out the light of reason.“ (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
 

We live in an angry time. People are angry with politicians, greedy bankers, unfeeling bosses, colleagues who ‘don’t get it’, careless drivers, and especially anyone ‘different’. Some are just angry with one another. What we rarely grasp is that our anger is really aimed within.

While what provokes anger may be outside us, the actual source is always within. Anger is a powerful emotion. When we cannot contain the energy of anger, we act it out on other people or things. Most of the time we are so afraid of it we try to deny or hide it. Sometimes we direct in inwards.

Although, like all emotions, anger is normal, when you suppress it and allow it to build up inside, it saps your strength, causes yet more stress, destroys relationships and stops you feeling happy.

Anger is also part of an emotional force we need to spur us on to achieve what we want and carry us along through life’s challenges. Dissipating our ‘fire energy’ in anger is a waste.

The ‘fire energy’ of anger

Anger is an emotional energy. It’s not a thought, idea or belief—not mental or intellectual. It’s an energy you experience as much in the cells of your body as in your head.

Next time you feel angry, notice what happens—how you tense your muscles, how the blood flows to make your face red, how your heart pounds and you feel hot. For millennia, people have associated anger with fire. In Eastern traditions and Chinese medicine, it is often seen as an aspect of ‘fire energy’—a primal energy associated with power and strength.

Most people have never learned how to cope with, or contain, their anger without doing themselves harm. Instead, they try to suppress it. Yet if anger is misdirected or blocked like this—turned inwards, held down hard and allowed to smolder away—it builds up until it eventually bursts out in ways that are even more destructive and harmful.

Maybe the greatest, and most misunderstood, stimulus for anger is a set of false expectations about life, usually associated with emotional immaturity. Many people expect to stay on the ‘happy’ end of the happiness-unhappiness continuum permanently and become angry because life is tough. They don’t get what they believe they are entitled to from life. As a result, they get mad at the universe. Then, since the universe is impervious to their feelings, they take their anger out on whoever is nearest and easiest to

Dealing with this ‘fire energy’ positively

You usually feel anger in the abdomen or belly. That’s also where you feel strength. In the West too, we have expressions that refer to the location of ‘fire energy’ here. Cowards have “no guts.” They lack “intestinal fortitude” and “have no stomach for” whatever it is. The powerful person has “fire in their belly.” Positive ‘fire energy’ is manifested as strength, courage, steadfastness, drive, and commitment. It supports us to be fearless. It gives us ‘spirit’. Lacking it, we find it hard to persevere and forward the action of our lives. We become exhausted and lack-luster.

Whenever we give in to anger, we misuse our ‘fire energy’ to ignite anger in place of courageous action. In place of strength and power, we are caught up in fear and bitterness. All that energy goes within, until we burn out. Misusing our ‘fire energy’ and turning it inside, we burn away our liveliness, our happiness and our self-confidence.

Turning your ‘fire energy’ into positive channels will generate strength, courage and confidence. Instead of wasting it in anger, use it to feel empowered and open to facing life’s challenges and pressures with a sense of curiosity and freedom.

When you do feel angry, rather than ‘acting out’, playing the victim or becoming abusive, try breathing deeply and sensing the heat build-up in your body. Welcome that ‘fire energy’ as natural, ready to be used for positive as well as negative ends. The more you contain and re-direct your ‘fire energy’, the more centered you will feel—less subject to the pull to waste your energy in becoming angry.

Expectations and emotional maturity

Much of your happiness depends on setting yourself realistic expectations about life. When things go wrong—as they surely will from time to time—it’s not all about life being unfair or bad luck and bad karma.

Happiness is linked to growth and that does not does not take place smoothly, or only on the happiness end of the spectrum. Growth demands facing challenges and struggles. Without them, you cannot build up your capacity to be strong, courageous and confident. You need things to push against to develop those ‘muscles’.

That’s why you need to use your ‘fire energy’ positively and stop wasting it on anger. Happiness and satisfaction arise when you consciously contain your ‘fire energy’ and keep it for better purposes.

This week’s food-for-thought questions are:

• How do you react to setbacks? Do you tend to be whiny, passive-aggressive or explosive? Do you manipulate, bully, or seek to ‘take it out’ on others, physically or verbally? Does your anger ever lead to hostility, abuse, anxiety or depression? How does this show you are using your ‘fire energy’?
• Have you noticed the physiological symptoms you experience when you’re angry? Do you get head, neck, back, or jaw pain? Irregular heartbeat? Sweating? Upset stomach? What is this telling you about where your anger is being directed?
• What emotional beliefs lead you to react with anger? Think about a person, place, or issue that really pushes your anger button. What is it about that person or situation makes you angry? What is your belief or story that you use to rationalize or justify your anger? Is it even true?
• Have you noticed how the aftermath of anger leaves you feeling weakened? How that ‘fire energy’ has been consumed by your anger? Where else could you use that energy to feel strengthened and empowered instead?
• What do you expect from life? Is it realistic? Are false expectations and feelings of entitlement setting you up? Are they stoking your ‘fire energy’ into anger and wasting it?

Technorati Tags: anger, emotions, energy, coping with setbacks, expectations, realism

Somewhere along the line, saying “no” has become ‘not the thing to do’.
 

The taboo of “no” seems to transcend both business and personal situations. You do not say “no” to a project or assignment; you do not say “no” to unreasonable demands on your personal time. Saying “yes” is seen as capable, accessible, accountable and effective. Saying “no” is ‘not being a team player’, not committed or unwilling to help. Is that the truth or perceived truth? Who made saying “no” unacceptable, when the real truth is that you can say “no” and the choice is yours?

Saying “no” is not easy. At first, it is very hard and uncomfortable. Saying “no” may be the first time in years that you made the choice of exercising self-care and stopping the cycle of over-extension. You might start with, “I cannot do that, but I can do this” as a way to say “no” gently, while still honoring your time. However, make no mistake about it, you are still saying “no” even though that may be what you need most to do.

The ‘Year of the “No”’

One year, my sister declared it the ‘Year of the “no”’. This meant that when someone asked her for something that she did not want to do, she would simply say “no” with no explanation. This included requests for her to baby-sit, requests to go to lunch, request to go to home jewelry parties or whatever. “No” meant “no” and no explanation was offered. She would think about it for a second or two and then confidently say, “No.”

Her ‘Year of the “no”’ generated some conversation, laughs and some stunned moments, but it caught on. We all started saying “no”—just “no”—when we did not want to do something asked of us. Talk about liberating! No hard feelings, just the truth. Just saying the word “no.” Say it. Say it again. Again. Feels good, doesn’t it?

As delicious as the ‘Year of the “No”’ can be, such a blunt approach may be a little too drastic for the workplace. But that does not mean that you cave and take on a request you cannot deliver or are not interested in taking on.

How many of you are in roles that you took because you did not want to say “no”? Are you happy? How many of you are working ten-hour days on a regular basis because you have too much on your plate? How many of you have given up on the concept of work-life balance? Did your inability to say “no” put you in that position?

Boundaries

What most folks are missing is their boundaries—their ‘line in the sand’. At what point is enough, enough? How do you know when an opportunity does not serve you or your company? At what point does over commitment turn into diminishing returns?

Boundaries are interesting. We do not give them the airtime they deserve. Your body and your subconscious know when boundaries are breached, and will react in self-protective ways that will eventually present whether we want them to or not. You do not escape it, you only table it—and the stress that it costs you can be significant.

What is imperative is to win back your “no”. Dig it out, dust it off, and use it. There will be folks not happy with your revived friend, the “no”, but it is you that you need to protect and serve. Asking the critical question of what will saying “yes” cost you may be all that you need to evaluate a request correctly.

Making a fresh start

I am not encouraging you to be reckless with “no”, but to win back your time for doing what matters in your life. Over-committing is not a core competency. It’s an aggressive oppressor that needs managing. You are the gatekeeper of your precious twenty-four hours.

When you start to say “no”, you may find time to reflect on what it is you truly want to do with your time. You may uncover new interests, revive old ones or remember something you loved to do that has long been forgotten. You may have the time to re-discover you. Your new “no” paves the way for saying “yes” to what you should be saying “yes” to.

Karen Senteio is a business and life coach and president of VERVE. She has over 20 years experience in developing and coaching individuals and groups to achieve personal success and work-life balance. You can visit her web site at Verve and contact her at Karen@vimandverve.net

Technorati Tags: work/life balance, managing time, managing your life, taking on commitments, asserting yourself

More Monday-morning haiku

 
2:30 a.m. No time to sleep.
Some achievements bring only suffering.
 
Are you empowered? Ask first,
Whose is the power that is now loaned to you?
 
In spring, money seems everything.
In winter, a warm coat is better.

Haiku and all other thoughts and comments welcomed.

Technorati Tags: haiku, work/life balance, living well, setting priorities, personal values

Life is a continuum you cannot slice into separate parts

Since the 1970s in the U.K. and the 1980s in the U.S., the phrase “work-life balance” has been used to shine a spotlight on presumably unhealthy behaviors of working men and women as it relates to the neglect of families, friends, personal time and the like in favor of work-related activities. Many studies of this issue have shown that women, in particular, are plagued by this seemingly inherent conflict, especially when children or families are involved. As someone who has been in the professional workforce for the entirety of the “work-life balance” debate, I must admit that I have never really agreed with the entire notion. In fact, I don’t even view it as a “work-life balance” but rather as a “life continuum”.

Focusing on the “balance” part of the work-life balance can keep us all feeling on edge. Maintaining a focus on outcomes allows leaders to manage the many competing priorities that form part of life’s continuum. Read the full story

Part 3 of a series on simple ways of de-stressing your life

 
This is part 3 of my short series of ideas and suggestions for taking some of the stress out of your life and bringing back a better sense of balance and enjoyment.

De-stressing Idea Number 6: Eat quality food, not junk

This is such a tough one. When the work/life balance gets tough, the tough end up reaching for the chocolate. With a bit more organisation however, it isn’t an impossible task to have healthier foods to eat.

Dietary reductions you can make to help your body cope with stress include reducing or eliminating your caffeine intake — including the caffeine found in sodas, cola, energy drinks and chocolate. Caffeine is a stimulant that can make your body as tense as it would be if under stress and elevate your heart rate and blood pressure. Over-indulging in alcohol will make you feel relaxed at the time, but eventually produce the opposite effect. It can also affect any medications you are taking. High fat and high sugar foods — typical in ‘comfort eating’ — contribute little to your body’s nutritional requirements, so it’s vital that you are aware of what you eat, how much you eat, and when you eat it. Read the full story

Life in the 21st Century should be getting easier to manage, not harder.

Photo credit: Littledan77

The traditional image of the sun-bronzed, ‘no worries’ Australian has become more of a myth than a reality in the past few years. Instead, our working hours have increased in line with jobs being vacated but not filled and employers expecting overtime as the norm instead of the exception. All of which is leaving us with less time for home — but still working harder to pay for it — and virtually no time or energy for meaningful relationships, family, friends or hobbies.

For most people, the main source of relaxation is to slump on the sofa with wine, chips and bad TV for dinner — only to wake up the next morning with the remote control imprinted on our faces. The day starts again when we leave for work in the dark. Sound familiar to any of you?

This gloomy way of living and working has been examined by Clive Hamilton, Director of the Australia Institute, who found that if the average Aussie worked the same hours as the average worker in other industrialized nations, we would be able to take the rest of the year off from the 20th of November. When you consider that the average number of hours worked per week also includes part-time work — with Australia having the second highest proportion of part time workers in the world — the picture looks even worse. Read the full story

Do we need to be jugglers rather than tightrope artists?

We’ve published many articles on this blog about work/life balance, so it’s interesting to see a rather different idea being suggested by Joan Borysenko on The Huffington Post (”Busting The Balance Myth“).

Her main point is that balance isn’t always possible. There are too many things to be done. Maybe there is no way to organize your time so that everything stays ‘in balance’. Trying to do so may be chasing an unattainable idea and creating a problem that isn’t really there. Ms. Borysenko writes:

Juggling requires maintaining your center. The idea is to stop managing life so much, and begin managing yourself. Long ago I learned that it’s better to prepare the speaker than the speech, particularly when I’m well acquainted with the subject matter. If I meticulously outline a lecture, rehearsing the points as I get ready to begin, I’m likely to lose my center. But if I chat with the audience first, put myself at ease, or take a few minutes for some deep breathing, the talk always goes more smoothly.

Read the full story

Part 2 of a series on simple ways of de-stressing your life

 
Here comes part 2 of my short series of ideas and suggestions for taking some of the stress out of your life and bringing back a better sense of balance and enjoyment.

De-stressing Idea Number 3: Take time out

As your work load and responsibilities increase and your free time is filled with house work, childcare and chores, finding ‘me time’ can feel like an impossibility. You are interrupted all the time through reacting to the needs of others; your brain still buzzes with unfinished business that affects your sleep and you run the risk of exhaustion, which in turn repeats the cycle by increasing the output of stress hormones.

Your time out — maybe just half an hour per day — must be spent doing something you enjoy. My friend Jill likes to read a magazine; Dean likes to do a work-out; Kent goes for a bike ride; and Sonia weeds her yard by the coast.

‘Me’ time can also be . . . nothing. For me sometimes, it is a big chunk of quiet. It is not that I don’t enjoy my work and I love being with my family, but I recognise the need to unplug the mobile phone, keep the TV turned off and just go outside and sit in the garden. On the other ‘me side’ hand, I also love spending time with my friends doing something relatively simple like going out for a movie or coffee — anything that isn’t related to work or responsibilities or sensible ‘to do’ lists. Read the full story

Part 1 of a series on de-stressing your life

Work/Life balance is more than a buzzword, it’s a way of life. The word ‘balance’ doesn’t necessarily mean an even divide between work and life; instead, ‘balance’ means successfully managing all the responsibilities you have in all areas of your life.

Despite all the technology and labour saving devices that we have, and our parents and grandparents lacked, we work longer hours and have more time poverty than any other era in history. We also struggling with ways to find ‘quality’ time for ourselves and our families among the never-ending chores: work demands, commuting, home, kids and social and community commitments.

The failure many experience in achieving any real work/life balance means that family life can suffer and so can your physical, emotional and mental health. The huge increases in illnesses such as chronic back ache, clinical depression, heart disease, blood pressure, type 2 diabetes and obesity, are all indicators that our current work/life balance is way out of whack. Read the full story

Few people are as busy as those seeking to distract themselves from what really needs to be done

It’s easy to imagine that you are busy when all you are truthfully doing is attending to various social calls — especially when those activities can be indulged in without moving from your desk and computer. E-mails, instant messaging, and social web sites like Twitter all demand time and attention, and no other type of attention will do in our ‘instant world’ save the immediate kind.

For some time, I’ve made it my practice never to answer e-mails right away, unless they are so obviously urgent that nothing else will do. I’m not intending to be rude to those who contact me — quite the reverse — since my immediate response would have to be superficial and poorly considered. What I would have written right away and what I eventually write a day or so later are rarely even similar. The intervening period has allowed my mind time to take in what the other person wrote to me, mull it around, and produce something in return that is more worth reading.

Many writers on time management and productivity will urge you to check your e-mails and similar messages only at set times, rather than spending all day jumping to see what has arrived when the computer makes whatever noise signals a fresh e-mail. Few go the extra step and urge you not to reply until at least 24 hours have passed. But if refusing to break off whatever you are doing to read an e-mail when it arrives saves you from needless distraction, waiting a while to respond will often prevent you from writing what you may regret only a little while later. Read the full story